


for a good time, call someone else

by havisham



Category: Castlevania (Cartoon)
Genre: Assholevania, Books, Dick Jokes, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M, Trevor's in love with nerds, Ye Olde Book of Penis Spells, it's a tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 18:18:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16645391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havisham/pseuds/havisham
Summary: “Belmont, it’s really very sad that you’re a semi-illiterate gobshite, given that almost your entire patrimony consists of books.”“And a whip.""And a whip," Alucard agreed.





	for a good time, call someone else

It wasn't as if Trevor had much of a choice in the matter. The look on Sypha’s told him that she wouldn't yield, not when the fate of the world was on the line. In principle, he agree with her. In practice, he could not disagree more. 

“Why do we have to do this again?” he hissed at her. “You said yourself that he's a cold, closed off bastard whose sadness can eat you alive. So why are we going back for him?” 

Sypha looked annoyed. “Because his father’s former forgemaster is about to attack Wallachia. You don't think Alucard should know?” 

“So we send him a postcard, or a pigeon. We don't need to go back there.” Trevor didn't want to go back to the place that now contained both the ruins of the Belmont home and Dracula’s castle. There were too many conflicting emotions housed there for him.

He also didn't want to see Alucard again. “I don't want to see Alucard again.” 

Sypha snorted loudly. “Well I don't want to hear you complain. It seems that both of us are destined for disappointment.” 

Trevor wondered why Sypha was so much less starry-eyed now than she had been when they started off traveling together. Could it have been something she ate? 

*

Of course, at the end of it, Alucard already knew -- magic mirrors tended to be rather useful in that respect. He did seem oddly touched by their presence, however, though he did his best to hide that by making an ass of himself to Trevor. 

Sypha had told him that in terms of development, Alucard was really just a young man still, but his barbs always seemed to pierce Trevor anyway. But untangling the web of Alucard’s juvenile stupidity would have to wait. There was a world to save, after all. 

“I've never met him, this Isaac. But it seemed that my father held him in high regard, if he sent him to safety before the end.” 

“Yeah, like a son he never had,” Trevor said. Sypha sighed. There was a half-second of hesitation before Alucard laughed, a too-rich, too-wonderful sound that seemed to curl up around Trevor, like a cat.

It set his teeth on edge. 

“True,” Alucard said ruefully. “I'm sure my father would've been better pleased with me if I too had embraced his goals of genocide. Alas, I did not.” 

“Regret it now do you, Alucard?” 

“I wouldn't have to kill the world just to kill you, Belmont.” 

Trevor let a long moment lapse before he nodded. “You did miss me that much, hm?” 

“I missed Sypha,” Alucard said, with a magnificent sweep of his hair, close enough that Trevor almost had a mouthful of it. _Disgraceful_ , Trevor thought, even though he wasn’t quite sure if he meant Alucard for his rudeness-- or himself for leaning in too close. 

*

The real problem, Trevor decided, was that he was saddled with two of the most determined bookworms in the world. In order to defeat Dracula’s forgemaster, both Sypha and Alucard had taken to the Belmont hold and Dracula’s laboratory respectively, which left him to half-heartedly shore up defenses.

After a few hours of making traps, Trevor was desperate for something else to do. When faced with the choice over who to bother first, Sypha or Alucard, he decided on Sypha. But luck favored him, as he went down (the very precarious rope ladder that Alucard had made to replace the destroyed staircase), he heard two very familiar voices raised in debate. 

_Boring._ Trevor decided to do a little more exploring instead. He would check on Sypha and Alucard’s progress later. 

The real presence of his family in the hold still touched him deeply -- here were the books that they had read, all the experiences and knowledge they had gathered to fight monsters. 

He let his fingers run the across the spines of the books, until he bumped up against one that was jutting out of the shelf, like someone had hastily shoved it back into its place. Curiously, Trevor took out of the book and looked at the title.

 _Phallomystica_ , it said -- or something like that. It had been a very long time since he’d had to read Latin, and even then, it never had been his strongest subject. 

Perhaps, if it had been, he would’ve been more careful about opening the book. But he hadn’t and he didn’t -- and that was that. 

*

“I am going to _die_ ,” Trevor announced loudly as he approached Sypha and Alucard, clutching at his groin. Neither of them looked up from their reading material, so he repeated himself. Loudly. 

“What did you do, Belmont?” Alucard said finally, sounding bored. “Did you cast a spell you weren’t supposed to?” 

“Uh.”

Sypha looked up, alarmed. “Trevor, what did you do?” 

“How was I supposed to know,” Trevor said, “that are …” He shuddered, “ _Penis_ spells in here?” 

“We knew,” Alucard said. 

“Yes, we all knew,” Sypha agreed. 

“Neither of you told _me_!” 

“I suppose we didn’t think you would be stupid enough to curse your own penis. My sincerest apologies, Belmont.” 

“Yes, _obviously_ I would rather curse yours,” Trevor said, annoyed. He pulled down his trousers and gestured to his doomed dick. “Now, could you two _please_ help me?” 

“Oh dear, it looks like it’s going to fall off. Do you think we can save it, Sypha?” 

“I suppose we’ll have to, or else that’s the end of the Belmonts from here.” 

“Yes ... I suppose that would be a _bad_ thing …” 

“I think so. Belmonts are pretty cute.” 

“Hmm. Like a drooling puppy, maybe.” 

“You two are very cruel,” Trevor said coldly. “See if I help you if your junk falls off.” 

*

Thirty minutes later, they were no closer to lifting Trevor’s curse than before. It didn’t help that the curse seemed to change at every attempt to lift it -- when Sypha muttered incantations over, it, it would wilt down to utter flatness but when Alucard attempted to use vampiric suggestion on it, it seemed to develop spikes. 

Trevor was in open despair. 

Finally, Sypha had the bright idea that Alucard could, perhaps, bite Trevor’s penis and draw out the corrupted fluid. Alucard leaned in and pressed a kiss on Trevor’s turgid cock. Though he went no further, Trevor still fainted dead away. 

When he woke up, he saw that Sypha and Alucard had gone back to their researches and, more importantly, his cock was back to normal. Even so, Trevor watched his companions suspiciously. “You’ve both betrayed me,” he told them. 

“The world’s in danger and you wasted the afternoon,” said Sypha. 

“Learn to read Latin, you fool,” said Alucard. 

“I would only learn Latin to write letters to you, Alucard, _in Latin,_ cursing your existence!”

“Belmont, it’s really very sad that you’re semi-illiterate gobshite, given that almost your entire patrimony consists of books.” 

“And a whip."

"And a whip," Alucard agreed.

Trevor shrugged. "Well, the books aren't mine anymore, are they?” 

“Please, could you two stop being terrible for a moment?” Sypha said. “I think I found a way to stop Isaac’s forging powers…” 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just feel like ... a few weeks in, Sypha's gonna realize she needs Alucard to balance out Trevor's, uh, lust for life and really they should all just hang together. Or something.


End file.
